Post comments on my paper here
Survey Questions
How important is college education to you? 1. How old are you? 2. Have you attended college? 3. If so where did you attend? 4. Is a college education important to you? 5. why or why not?
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analysis of proposals
a strength on the first paper is that they give you numbers so you can get a better understanding of what books actually cost. put evidence to how the government is trying to fix that. a weakness is that the sentences are choppy and they don't really flow. the second paper they clearly state the problem, the solution ect. so its easy to follow and understand. they use numbers that make us see what the problem actually is. I think that a weakness might be that she just needs to balance out every topic she keeps it short and sweet on the problem and solution but the justification part is longer then the rest. again the third paper uses number and scientific facts to prove the point. I think that with this one it doesn't clearly say what is what we have to figure out what the problem is and it should be easy to understand and know right away that that is the problem. I think that the meal plan one was the best i relate to that that is something I would like to change. Her proposal...
Speech 2 Outline
Problem: College students under the age of the 18 are legally allowed to be in the bars until 10 but not allowed to be drink but most do and or have a fake ID. Cops go into bars and they get in trouble. Underage drinking is a problem in college towns wether it be in the bars or in the dorms. Almost every country has the drinking age of 18 besides the United states. We are allowed to fight and die for our country at the age of 18 which is more serious then drinking. Solution: Change the legal drinking age in college towns to 18. I think we should change that 18 and older can be in the bar legally at anytime and allowed to obtain alcohol. This will reduce the amount of tickets and people that are getting in trouble. Most people in the bars are under the age of 21 and or using a fake ID. Justification: It will reduce the amount of people getting in trouble and we can do other things at the age of 18 that are more serious then drinking and most people drink before the age of 21. Cops g...
Overall I think your paper is really good, but it does have a few things you can work on. Some sentences could be more concise and shortened for clarity. For example the second sentence in the discussion section could be reduced to make the message a bit clearer. There are also some spelling errors throughout the paper, so I would recommend reading through the whole paper so you can catch them. The paper does include a defense page and appendix, but both of them have some errors. The majority of the paper follows APA format but I think the references may be in MLA. You also only included one source and the assignment requires four. The appendix is fine overall but the options for the first question include 14-17 and 10-24 so people could fit into both of those options. Your data is included in the “pie charts” section and according to the IMRaD format this should be included in the results section. Your discussion section should include problems with the study, implications from it, and further research that could be conducted. Your paper is really good overall and I think your topic is really interesting, but you have a few things to work on for the final draft.
ReplyDeleteA few things that you could do to improve your paper are correcting spelling, being more concise for clarity, and increasing your references. You have a few spelling errors throughout your paper but they are easy to fix, for example on one of your pie charts you wrote “memebr” instead of “member.” Some of your sentences could be shorter to make them more clear, such as your sentence in the discussion section that begins with “I believe that college may...” This sentence could be reduced for clarity and to make the paper more concise. Lastly, you should include a few more references because the minimum is four, and be sure to cite them in APA instead of MLA.
This was a rough draft, so like mine you could go through it and fix some grammar issues. For example, in the first sentence of the introduction paragraph you use the word "weather" when you should use the word "whether". Also the sentence directly after has a few words that are out of order and confusing. Just be sure to read over it or have another person proof read it to clear up some grammar and spelling mistakes. Another thing you could do is use varying words. In the Abstract paragraph you use the word "important" 7 times. Instead, you could use synonyms like; paramount, crucial, essential, vital, critical etc...
ReplyDeleteAnother problem I noticed was in the discussions. Hem told us that he would prefer that we did not use words like "I" or "you". Instead of "you" the word "one" could be used. Also, "I think" or "I believe"
can just be taken out because you are writing the paper so the reader already knows what you are thinking from your writing.
Once again, this was just a rough draft, but I feel the data explanation could be expanded on a little more than what you did. Maybe describe each graph individually in its own paragraph or just go into your single explanation paragraph a little more in depth.
Finally, I think that we are required to have a minimum of 3 sources in our paper and I only see one.
Overall, your rough draft was written well and I thought that the topic was really interesting. Just make sure you read through it to fix any of the spelling and grammar issues, add more sources, fix the "i's" and "you's" and maybe add more to your data analysis.